Help 4 a desperate Dad

in despairMaking this as short as possible, I’ve been divorced 5 yrs, ex has custodial custody while we both have joint custody.

However she decided that she wanted to move out of state, I filed my motion to keep my kids here, she filed a motion to have divorce decree modified so as to be able to leave.

I found out Step-Dad has been showering with daughters ages 8, 10, and 11, also ex’s sister is living in home as well with her 4 kids and selling drugs as well as using, this was told to me by my 14 yr old son, who also told me that his mom had shown him and his sisters porn on the internet, social services investigated but said that children were not in danger, and that a “plan” was made to stop Step-Dad from bathing with children and to keep all my kids away from ex’s sister.

However I just file a motion for Permanent Physical custody…..but without the backing of social services and not wanting to pull my kids into court (which might really hurt them) can anyone offer any advice ?? I am in Colorado. TIA

I can understand why you would get mad

I can understand why you would get mad and hurt by the message you were sent, but e-mail is no different than any other kind of mail; some of what you get is useful, and a whole lot is not. Do like our mamas and daddies told us ever so long ago: consider the source. The nonsense he spews is not worth your time or your energy. And since you know he’s an uninformed moron concerning your personal circumstances, why bother with him?

You know in your heart you’re doing the right thing for your family, your husband, your kids (yes, they’re yours, too); you don’t really need any validation from “miserable and twisted” people you don’t even know, so don’t sweat it when you don’t get it.

Actually, that lesson goes pretty far even with the people you DO know; some people (maybe even your lawyer or members of your own family) might tell you to give up, but as long as you can honestly say you have your kids’ best interest to guide you, what other motivation do you truly need? Truth, Justice, and Fairness For All are big, lofty goals, and it would be nice to say that all the efforts I make are purely motivated by them. But right now, what I really want is to see my stepson dressed up as a magician for Halloween and to have him tell me one more corny knock knock joke and show me the nine of spade from his trick card deck for the 1005th time. Because I miss him when he’s not here. That’s why I do what I do.

More power to you all as you make your way,


Trial attorney lessons

The best thing you can learn to do besides the information in this previous post is to make sure you have given your lawyer direction as to what you want and then stand back and let them do their job.

If you see them straying from the course you and they have drawn out, then step outside and give them a little refresher course on the original course and ask why we have deviated from it.

The worst thing you can do to a trial lawyer during a trial is mess with their focus.

You are right when you say that

You are right when you say, ‘Just because many men are denied access to their children does not mean that all woman are the same.’

Unfortunately that is what is seen the vast majority of the time, and is probably the motivation for 99% of the people in this club.

Just as a tiny suggestion, I would save all of the chats you are having through the internet with the children. It is more of a CYA move than anything. I was and am doing the same as you. It is great because I can send pictures, e-cards, money, and silly jokes to my daughter and all without any censoring from the ex.

There was one question that arose, and was introduced in a one little court skirmish, that was tossed out as soon as the judge saw a complete copy of the chat session, including the silly joke.

You know the problem with the current divorce industry, is that it needs a winner and a loser in order to profit and continue. It is only natural that some who lose a lot are bitter.

I applaud the initiative you are taking and have know several temporary girlfriends of mine who have told me to give up on my daughter and my fight for joint custody. I have joint custody, a daughter will purple hair, and can not remember the names of the temp girls.


**coming from someone who is helping her husband with the emotional and research support with the custody of his son.***

I don’t think it should be looked at if its a man or woman. Both do it either way. Fathers pain comes from the fact the courts are not willing to do anything about the crap she gives you. Some people get their justice and some don’t. Some pay a lot of money to lawyers and opt to cash advance and other forms of credit. Of course, if you do – you should stick to reputable online loan companies like Even with bad credit you can get a loan there. But enough about loans. Back to our question. Some women do it some men do it. It just depends on the person doing it. Not one single case is the same. If it was, it would be much easier for the judges to make more solid decisions. Just remember, if you are TRULY right and deserve custody or your visitation etc… Always act like it too. With all the hatred in your words about it, its just gonna hold you back more. Its ok to be upset about your situation, but its no reason to find fault with every person you meet. Like that one girl who helps her husband/boyfriend, just like me. Do i or any other woman (supportive of their men and their problems) deserve to be shot down just because other women or your woman is doing what they are doing to you?

I remember watching talk shows where one person is gay or a freak or something out of the normal everyday life as we know it (or want to know it) someone or all people in the audience comment to how you “ruin it for all men (or women)” WHY is that? They are one person, they do not and should not affect what you think of other men or women. Did i make any sense, lol.

Custody of Move-away

The keyword would be JURISDICTION.

If you have firmly decided to pursue custody, do not let the jurisdiction go out-of-state.

The disadvantages of distance are immense: travel, lodging, and the difficulty of seeing and communicating with your child.

Your girlfriend may eventually file for child support later (6 months+) in the new state, so the jurisdiction ONLY AT THIS TIME is up to you.

Once she is served in your home state, generally she will encounter compelling reasons (legal ones) to stay for a while…

Use this time to devise strategy, to negotiate in good faith with the mother, and most importantly, to establish yourself as THE DAD in your child’s life.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do, and welcome to the club…

If you have any kind of “joint” custody arrangement

If you have any kind of “joint” custody arrangement you could file an Emergency Ex-parte motion to stop the stuptidy. That is what i had to do to my ex.

She tried to move my boys 3 hours away to her boyfriends house just 3 days before school. We had Joint legal/Physical. The only way I found out was that i am very active in my boys lives and called to set up a time to meet for school open-house. That is when she informed me of her plans.She wasn’t going to tell me until it was too late!

Moral: Stay in touch and call an attorney immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she moves with your daughter she can claim that she has become integrated into her new surroundings and it may be very hard and expensive to get her back.

Good luck

You need to stay strong for your daughter

It makes me mad when one parent thinks they could have produced their child(ren) without the other parent.


Re: Custody

custodyHire an attorney. IMMEDIATELY!!

You might be able to TEMPORARILY put a halt to her plans to move until you have a hearing in front of a judge.

Start thinking about why it is in the child’s best interest to be with you and not your girlfriend BUT DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING!

Try NOT to do anything to piss off the baby’s mother. You do that, she’ll take the child just to piss in your face (sorry about the language but it adequately conveys my message). At the same time, don’t roll over and play dead – be firm but gentle.


Okay, the attorney is in court or you don’t have the money. If you haven’t the money but are too rich for pro bono or legal services, take a couple of days off, haul a&$ to one of the law school libraries (call to make sure they are accessbule to the public) and do some reading on motions for temporary custody (a/k/a pendent lite) and restraining orders against removing the child from the jurisdiction of New York State. With sufficient groveling in front of the court clerk who files the papers (often a non-practicing attorney) or in front of the reference librarian you might be able to buy yourself some time to figure this mess out.

This forum has some faq’s someplace (I can’t remember where) that are pretty helpful. READ THEM and calm down. You haven’t lost yet and will not lose until the FINAL decree even if she TEMPORARILY gets to take the child out of state.




I am new to this, my girlfriend and I have recently split up and she is taking our daughter back home, 6000 miles away. I want to try to get custody but don’t know what kind of a chance I have.

She didn’t even want our daughter and spent her whole pregnancy trying to get me to agree to put her up for adoption.


A couple of thoughts on this excellent note

The lessons are as equally important to parties as they are to the attorneys and as applicable to non-jury trials as jury trials. Not only do you embarrass and distract your attorney, (almost always at the worst possible moment) but you may inadvertently tick off the very folks who are going to decide how bad your pain is going to be, if any.

Remember, your isn’t the only case the judge is going to hear – he’s probably got a busy backlog. Disturbing the decorum of his courtroom is going to really piss him/her off.

As for the jury – they are bored! They don’t want to listen to your shit, they want to be someplace else having a good time. Sighing and clucking your teeth, or engaging in other distracting behavior, only convinces them you’re an asshole who is responsible for them being there and they will react accordingly.

Injustice from the Top

this may be an appropriate time to add this historical commentary:

The filth at the top seeps to the bottom.

Robert P. George, professor of jurisprudence at Princeton wrote: ‘But even “good” liars sometimes get caught. And he was caught lying under oath in an effort to ward off the disgrace of a tawdy affair with a White House intern in the precincts of the Oval Office. The result was his impeachment and an unprecedented — and uncontested– citation for contempt of court.’

How can we be so surprised when mothers of our children make false accusations and testimonies! If the President tried, hell, why respect the law at all?

But it should be noted above all that impeachment and his fine for contempt of court were for CRIMES AGAINST THE ADMINISTRATION OF JUSTICE.’ Thus what could we reasonably expect from a lowly judge in some local family court? A contempt for justice — naturally seeping down from his top superiors.

Many of the dads in family court have observed and been subjected to the injustices, which frequently do not serve the children’s need for both parents. This must change, because the filth and immorality from our government have inflicted terrible damage to our sons and daughters.

Reduced fee > ABA

ABA, the American Bar Association, now has a general public page for pro bono / reduced fee legal representation for civil cases:

Our club has also added a new section, ‘NEWS/Lawyers’ which points to directory resources, including the highly recommended Martindale-Hubbell and West Group directories (the former includes professional background information).

More about ABA here –

Hello From Canada

As my greeting says, hello from Canada. Alberta to be exact. If you have any thing you want to talk about from a Canadian prospective let me know. I do a lot of peer counseling and have been through the divorce war and won joint custody and a daughter that is in my life for ever.

I don’t have custody

I don’t have custody, I wish I did, but with the judge I have, I’m sure my ex would have to be guilty of murder before I could get custody. She could even beat them into the hospital and I would still not get custody.

Yesterday was a good day in court, though. Because I had to physically place my oldest daughter in the corner this weekend, my ex had told the court that I had “assaulted” her. There was an emergency hearing yesterday (Wednesday).

The judge actually chewed my ex out and re-iterated that when the kids are in my care, I have the right to discipline them in what ever way I see fit, especially in light of the fact that in my religion corporal punishment is prohibited. The judge also told her that she (the judge) was tired of seeing her (my ex) up at the court for every little thing.

Take another person into court

Is there no way you can take another person into court to validate your position/statements? It does appear that women tend to use the abuse allegation(s)and visitation(or lack thereof) in their favor w/o thinking of the effect it has on the children. My ex tried to use my children (blackmail) as pawns to get sole custody by alleging domestic abuse(which never occurred). The judge saw through the ploy but not until I had spent a night in jail and spent $5000 to defend myself.

Why can’t the ex’s just get past their anger at us and begin to concentrate on co-parenting the children with us.

Your situation really worries me because the court system is allowing the “angry” ex-spouses to poison our children and allowing emotional abuse to continue.

this is just wrong!!!!!!!!! and the children suffer for the guilty parents stupidity, greed, ignorance, self-centered attitude and court approved emotional abuse.

Sorry to rant and rave but the whole purpose of the “family court system” is to look out for the “BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN”!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish the judges/courts would worry less about keeping their jobs and start doing their jobs!

thanks for the time

good luck

Hello All

New to the club. I have custody of my three boys. I have plenty of experience in family court and am willing to help and support others in similar situations.

I’ve started my own club on Yahoo! called Dads with Custody. If you are a father with primary custody, I invite you to join. Glad to be a part of a club that helps divorced fathers with their issues.

God Bless,